Tony the Tiger stood astride his Eaglets’ nest

And for once in his life felt doubly blest,

For his birds could run and they could pass

And they could knock you on your aspirations.



The chicks Raided Hornets, exposed Streaks, dammed Beavers,

Doused Dragons, stressed Worriers, hit Chefs with cleavers.

For the coup de grace they blitzed Parisienne’s Aughts

To claim the Any C crown they sought.



In Edge of Night Carny fixed his rides,

The Whip he used on Bachelors and Brides

Though the old vet found his troops too young

When Grapeburg and Lakesize his bell they rung.



At Oilwell, things were looking up for old Hen Sun.

Though Thomas doubted the Moose-tongues could run,

A young Hen Sun could cock that arm

And inflict on Gland enemies great harm.



Bill Lipstick’s Dragons blew hot and cold

But through it all they would not fold.

Despite some beating and battering

Of success they had a smattering.



For weeks a second-generation Hen Sun thought

That Flakin’ muscles were all they brought.

Then casualties ended the battle in the trench

With a shotgun Ghimmy emptied his bench.



Week after week Lackeys’ hopes were upRooted.

For winning games they seemed unsuited.

Until Pie Valley joined Vienna’s choir

And found their wishes lifted higher.



Connie could take a lesson from Pogo

Who penned the words we all know.

“We have met the enemy and they are us,”

To wit: Spurtins’ on each other use fisticuffs.



Of all the Streaks Whatchatalkinbout Willis had foreseen

An 0-6 start never hit his radar screen.

But the Mad-as-a-son Blues eventually stopped.

When Draggin’s, Boppers and Strangers ballons were popped.



In Nukevill Matt Rosewater reloaded his ammunition

But blanks too often spoiled Peary’s ambitions.

Now prayoff hopes rest on blasting Chagrin

Which has done nothing yet but win.



In Pains-filled Beavers once built a dam,

But in 2009 that seemed a sham.

“Woof, Woof,” the gnawers tried a scare.

But no bites opponents did bear.



Egad, I guess I’m not a great poet like T.S. Eliot, even though some people claim T.S. are my middle initials. Anyway, I’m operating under some ad-verse conditions, like Elmira hanging over my shoulder looking for libelous words (Harrumph! How can you libel someone like her?) and my 401-K bouncing around like Wicked Stiffs in the Seavy Sea. But, as anyone can see, I am a peerless prognosticator, and here’s what I see in my crystal ball for this weekend’s games.

n CONNEAUT at EDGEWOOD — These scrods are used to battling it out for the cellar of the Any C, though Edge of Night wouldn’t find itself in that precarious position had Chefferson not bolted the congregation and Mad-as-a-son were still a member. Anyway, this is also a conflict for the pride of extreme northeastern Ohio, sometimes entitled the Battle of North Kingsville, which is uncharted territory, somewhat like the states that made up the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Connie coach Ken Parisienne’s ancestor had a part in that sale, as I recall. Joe Carny ‘s Worriers could finish off what has been an impressive seizin’ after going winless one year ago. Connie Aught would like to avoid the stigma of a nine-game losing streak to end 2009, so the gloves are off ... so to speak. EDGE OF DARKNESS 37, CONNIE 12.

n LAKESIDE at NORTH — Lakesize’s Draggin’s might seem to have some momentum going after leveling the Charredtown Hillboppers a week ago. North’s Strangers decidedly do not, having been embarrassed in a supposed showdown with South’s Rabble two weeks ago and then getting the bejeepers scared out of them by Mad-as-a-son’s Boo Shrieks last week. North’s only defense is ... well, the Strangers don’t have a defense. Bill Lipstick’s Draggin’s can be pretty offensive, too, so I think they’ll outscore the Stranges. It might not be a bad idea to take a calculator along, though. LAKESIZE 45, NORTH POLE 44.

n GENEVA at GILMOUR ACADEMY — Tony the Tiger Hassle and the Equals find Happy Gilmore (assuming they can find him at all) below par, which might be good in golf, but in football, not so much. Ironically, the Equals would be better served if Happy and the rest of the Dwarves had more victories, since that would bring more computer points in the Equals’ quest for a prayoff spot. This one’s a Saturday treat, since Gilmore never got around to installing lights on its field. SHEKNEEVA 39, HAPPY GILMORE 7.

n UNIVERSITY at JEFFERSON — If you can’t take the Flakin’s to a university, bring the University to the County Seat. Ghimmy Hen Sun has decided to use a shotgun on the Preppers, since there are no bazookas handy. Hen Sun, I’m told, is accustomed to bearing small arms, wandering around the woods in Oilwell in hopes of bagging a deer or two. Just in case, he’s got a plethora of lawyers handy at the County Courthouse, a short jog from Flakin’ Pride Stadium. This is all pretty irrelevant, but so’s this nontest, unless The Legend and his entourage shows up this week, of course. CHEFS 20, PREPPIES 19.

n GRAND VALLEY at NEWTON FALLS — Thom Hen Sun and the Gland Valley Moose-tongues have already exceeded expectations for this seizin’ and made an impressive entry into the NIC-NACs. The Fig Newtons are an unknown quantity to me, though I have heard that figs are healthy fruits. The Moose-tongues are in unfamiliar territory and that’s not just because Fig Newton Falls is nearly impossible to find. It also has something to do with the fact that Gland Valley can’t run the ball a lick, but can pile up the yards through the air. MOOSE-TONGUES 21, FIG NEWTONS 14.

n YOUNGSTOWN CHRISTIAN at PYMATUNING VALLEY — Jason Rootless and the Ptooietuning Valley Lackeys have spent most of the seizin’ turning the other cheek, so turnabout would seem to be fair play. But Yo Christian hasn’t been charitable for several years now. At least the Andoverians will be able to concentrate on what really matters now — getting the 40 acres ready for next year’s planting, like the corn in the Skipper’s ears. And basketball. Yes, basketball. YO YOS 32, LACKEYS 6.

n MADISON at RIVERSIDE — Tim (Whatchatalkinbout) Willis and the Boo Shrieks turned the corner a few weeks ago, just a little too late to have it make much difference. Last week’s offensive display against North’s Strangers would have looked good in several previous nontests, though a leaky defense might have made such efforts in vain. Riverslide has proven that it can score points, but as long as opponents keep the numbers on the scoreboard increasing, it’s tough to picture Ryan Woof Woof’s Beavers getting much satisfaction out of offensive displays. MAD-AS-A-SON 49, SLIDE 35.

n PERRY at CHAGRIN FALLS — The road to the prayoffs for Matt Rosewater and the Nukeville Pyrites goes through the Chagrinned Ones, which means it’s a dead end. The Tiggers have pounced on all other Seavy Sea foes and nothing short of a nuclear explosion should derail the Chargin’ Express. Too bad the Pyrites are so far from the nuke plant and Aluminum Stadium. MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN 28, PEARY 14.



Major Hoople is a freelance writer from parts unknown. Reach him at themajor@starbeacon.com.