By MAJOS AMOS B. HOOPLE
For the Star Beacon
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Gadzooks, downsizing is the catchword in area scholastic coaching circles these days.
Of course, former head coaches electing to move down to assistant jobs is nothing new. Harrumph! Joe Carny, who made a career of jumping from one head coaching job to another, also served as an assistant on several other sidelines, if my memory serves me correctly.
It used to be the other way around, with assistants eventually graduating to the bigger job. That trend can still be seen in some places, like Shekneeva, where Tony the Tiger Hassle has finally gotten his dream job (some dream!) with the Eaglets; Lakesize, where Bill Lipstick took over the reins after aiding and abetting various teams at Connie Aught and other venues; Edge of Night, where multi-faceted Dom I’macoachinya has taken over for Carny; and Mad-as-a-son, where Tim Willis, who once served as henchman to Art Boarsneck, now haunts the Boo Shrieks.
On the other hand, just as many former head honchos now seem to be filling the role of jester to the king, including Scotch Collins at the County Seat and Jim Mackerel for Edge of Night’s Worriers. Collins, you’ll remember (or maybe not) once captained the Ptooietuning Valley Lackeys’ boat and Mackerel ran the gauntlet at St. John, Paul, George and Ringo’s rented facilities, whichever they were. And Jason Rootless, formerly the head man at both Chefferson and then Ptooietuning Valley is now a supporter of athletics (tee hee) at Chefferson.
But nobody does it quite like Grapeland, where Hassle employs a passel of former capos to carry out his orders; Jay Cashew, erstwhile Lakesize mentor; Mike Hassle, who led the Harbore Mariners before they were keelhauled; and Bill Londonbridge, who took a turn at Connie Aught between Ken Parisienne’s tours of duty. At one time, the inimitable Carny also graced the Tiger’s staff.
Why would once-proud leaders of their schools’ ovoidball scrods take lesser positions, when the money isn’t as good? Most of them would probably say to have more time to spend with their families. Hogwash, I say. As I understand it, when one looks deeply into the travails of being a head coach, there are two dealbreakers. Details, details, details. Despite the repetition, that’s only one of the reasons, and the lesser one at that. The biggest headache of a head coach? Parents, particularly phone calls from parents.
All 10 of the head coaches who swing into action (those of them that can still swing) have put those problems aside, though, and head into the season with optimism, some with no basis in fact.
The first to come under enemy fire (I’m not referring to parents right now) will be Lakesize’s Lipstick and Mad-as-a-son’s (Whatchtalkinbout) Willis. Which is as good a place to start with these prognostications as any.
n HOWLAND at LAKESIDE — My schedule says that this nontest will be broadcast by WYBL, known these days as the Red Bull, in honor of local teams’ favorite beverage. I’ve learned that the aforementioned station plays country music, very popular among teens, I bet. Anyway, Howlin’ Wolf has pretty much had its way against the Draggin’s in recent seizin’s. Lipstick expects things to change. He’s going to start wearing a hot pink shade instead of his usual red. Years ago, the Draggin’s cleverly scheduled this nontest for Thursday nights, figuring that fans wouldn’t catch on until it was too late and would be spared the sight of the carnage. But Boola, Boola fans have figured it out and are aware of the early dates. Now they stay away by choice. HOWLIN’ 27, LAKESIZE 13.
n MADISON at NORMANDY — Every other year Willis and the Jeeps (you’ve gotta be old to understand that reference) storm the sons of the beaches at Normandy. The alternate years the Frenchmen come to Ohio, to visit with Ken Parisienne, among other things. Futileball is probably the least of those things. On the other hand, Mad-as-a-son’s Boo Shrieks take the game very seriously. Especially the part about the 50-50 drawing, which was once under the direction of Jim Pinhead. Willis has expanded his playbook this year I understand and it now has two pages, only one of which is devoted to handing the ball to the tailback. MAD-AS-A-SON 21, NORMAN BATES 20.
n JEFFERSON at GRAND VALLEY — This nontest headlines Friday night’s nontests, which will give you some indication how starved the area is for headlines. Egad, I forgot to mention Gland Valley coach-Oriental philsopher Thom Hen Sun when I was on the subject of assistants becoming head coaches. This will be a “relatively” good game, since Thom Hen Sun and County Seat Flakins’ coach Jimmy Hen Sun are an uncle-nephew combo. Also, A.J. Hen Sun, Moose-Tongues quarterback, is Thom’s grandson, and thus, Jimmy’s nephew. Got all that?
Both these scrods have updated their facilities greatly since the days when Yours Truly had to climb rickety stairs and make a mighty leap into the press box to watch the players try to scramble between the rocks. This rivalry ranks as one of the greatest in the area. Or at least, it’s pretty rank. These days Gland Valley isn’t afraid to throw the rock, while Jimmy, who once had a fine arm in his hay day as Moose-tongue quarterback, is more inclined to recall the interceptions he notched as a defensive back in college and grinds it out. He also runs the ball a lot. GLAND PIANOS 17, COUNTY SEAT LEGENDS 7.
n CONNEAUT at LEDGEMONT — A moment of silence will begin this game since it honors the memory of a sports writer who once tried to make the leap from the water tower at old Sidley Field into the press box — and failed. The nontest should be a real mismatch, given the size of the two communities, assuming one can call the Thompson-Montville vicinity a community. Ledgemantel can find few teams that number as few as the Redskins (in truth, few exist) and Connie Aught is happy to agree to play a team the Spurtins’ have a chance of beating. So it’s a match made in heaven. Aughts’ coach Ken Parisienne likes to adopt a catchphrase each season and, I’ve heard, has settled on “Be careful out there” this year. Or maybe I’m thinking of an old television show. Ledgemantel is an unknown quantity to me, as I guess it is to its fans as well. So I’ll have to go with my gut, which is growling by the way. Hey, Elmira, when’s supper? ... Wow, that woman has a mean throwing arm. I bet either of these scrods could use her. CONNIE 14, SKINS 6.
n CHAMPION at EDGEWOOD — Now that Joe Carny has retired for the umpteenth time, Dom I’macoachinya will try to continue the improvement the Worriers saw last year. The last I heard, Edge of Night still doesn’t have a conference affiliation set after this season, but the Worriers could go out of the Any C with a bang if they could beat Connie and Grapeland. Titles come cheap these days in the Any C, which exists only in football and for only one more seizin’. If Edge of Night falls back into mediocrity or (gasp!) ineptitude, there’s always the Ashtabula Mall, or whatever it’s called these days, at least what’s left of it. Champion is another unknown quantity (there are a lot of those for someone who does so little research), but it always has a spark plug or two on its futileball team. Groan. EDGIES 30, BREAKFAST OF CHAMPION 13.
n GENEVA at KIRTLAND — Tony the Tiger Hassle and the Equals will have to answer the same question that confronts Edge of Night: Was last year just a fluke? Next year Grapeburg will have to enter the PAC-Man video game, so it has to amp its game up even more. At least, the Equals will now play home games at a GaREAT facility, even if that’s a tough billing to fill. But the Equals will have to accustom themselves to balls actually bouncing instead of plugging in the mud or a sand trap. Cursedland’s Hairnets play bigger than their actual size (who could play smaller?) and have been in the prayoffs in the past. So there’ll be no resting on their laurels for the Equals. Hassle told his charges about David and Goliath, sending them to video stores to attempt to rent the movie. Methinks this will be Goliath’s revenge: GRAPENUTS 33, HAIRNETS 26.
n PYMATUNING VALLEY at BERKSHIRE — New Peevy head coach Neal Criss-cross Buns inherits a scrod that went 2-8 last year under Jason Rootless, who wisely decided he wanted to spend more time with his family. Who wouldn’t? The Lackeys were the cat’s meow, the cocks of the walk, just a few years ago, but now have big questions. Questions like, When are we going to get some rain so the crops will grow?, Where did all the campers at Ptooietuning Lake go (maybe The Skipper scared ‘em off)? and “Are we getting enough use out of our new auditorium? Or, then there’s always, Will the Einstein’s in midget football down in those parts get their pitch forks and torches out... again? Berks Brothers wants to make a statement in this nontest, even if the statement is merely, “Well, at least we won one game.” BERKS BROTHERS BACHELORS 18, PTOOIETUNING VALLEY16.
n PERRY at RIVERSIDE — Neither of these scrods had a season to be proud of last year, though at least Nukeville coach Matt Rosewater still has his job after going 6-4. A 2-8 season would have been unthinkable for Riverslide a few years ago, but that’s what happened to the Beavers last year. You can look it up. Both Rosewater and new Beavers coach Dave Bore-some bolted West Gee-Awful for the Leggs County teams, leaving one to ask, “What’s rotten in Chesterland?” The teams involved here know each other very well, living only a few puffs of nuclear smoke away from each other. PEARY 30, SLIDE 7.
Hoople is a freelance writer from parts unknown. Reach him at themajor@starbeacon.com.
