Not that I’m an old guy or anything — heaven forbid — but the longer you’ve been around, the more time seems to go faster.
About this time of year, I feel cheated out of summer. I’m thinking it should still be July.
So it’s not surprising when I think back to what I thought was maybe seven or eight months ago. Somebody remarked that he or she had just gotten a driver’s license renewed.
At that point, I pulled out my license and double-checked to see when mine expired. I was slightly relieved to learn it didn’t expire for another year after my birthday.
Fast-forward to about a month ago. I was running late on errands, needed to get home, showered, get something to eat and race off to work.
I stopped at the mailbox and saw a postcard from Gov. Ted Strickland. Now what did Ted want? Was he going to come visiting? Were we going to have to sweep Derek’s old bedroom?
No, he was telling me his records indicated on my last birthday, I had not renewed my driver’s license.
Ouch.
You see, that incident with the friend and looking at my license wasn’t several months ago. It was a year and several months ago. But I was so sure it was this year, I didn’t even check my license.
Ouch.
So amongst everything else, I had to stop at the Department of Motor Vehicles to get my license renewed. Dinner would have to be a veggie sub from Subway to be grabbed on the way to work.
Back when I was a youngster, I got my learner’s permit and went driving with my mother beside me. I remember her being more nervous and critical than Dad. I was the oldest. It was easier for my brothers.
But what was extra funny is one day, Mom slid through a stop sign and hit somebody’s car on an icy day. She wasn’t cited but the officer informed her that her license had expired. What is even funnier is it had been longer than six months so she had to get a learner’s permit and take the test over again and parallel park and everything. Here all of the time she was worried I wasn’t stopping properly, she wasn’t even a licensed driver!
When you are 16, that can have you rolling on the floor. But she got her permit, quickly took the test and passed with no problems.
Fortunately for me, my license had expired only a few weeks ago so getting it renewed would not mean retaking the test.
So there I sat at the DVM, clutching my little number, waiting. My eyes roamed the building. I learned there was no public restroom in the building. There’s something you should know. Wouldn’t want your license photo for the next four years to have your eyes all bugged out and your face red.
Then my eyes caught site of an even more enlightening sign. It said something like: “Beginning Oct. 1, 2009, there may be a $20 penalty fee for driver’s license that are expired more than six days.”
Now this was my lucky day. Not only was I running late, not only did I get Ted’s postcard that my license had expired, but I MAY — operative word “may” — be penalized an extra $20. And here’s an even bigger kick in the pants, the penalty charge became effective statewide a mere one day after my six-day grace period had expired.
Ah, but remember, the operative word MAY. So the lady called my number. I had to do the little vision test. I had to say yes I still live at the same address. She didn’t say something like, “Ah ha, so you are getting your license renewed late.” No buzzer went off and confetti dropping because the DVM had caught another sucker who failed to get his license on time. Maybe she didn’t even notice.
And as she handled the paperwork, she casually said, “And do you know about our new ridiculous late fee?”
Ugh! Yes, I said I saw the word MAY. So to me that meant if I was a good person, didn’t cause waves, had showered before getting there and wore a tie — which I had one — maybe I wouldn’t be charged the late fee.
No such luck. The word “may” just meant they were being polite, she said. I would be charged the normal fee, plus $20 for my stupidity. The sign should have read, “You bloody well will be charged a late fee so suck it up and get out the wallet.”
Now I’m wondering, why does the DVM send you notice your plate tags are expiring when it happens on your birthday every year. You don’t have to wonder. It happens every year. But it doesn’t send you notice when you only need to get your driver’s license renewed every four years.
I mean, how often do I need to take my license out of the wallet? When the cop says I didn’t signal properly while changing lanes on Route 7? Yeah. But no more does anyone request my license when I buy beer. I buy beer more often than I get pulled over by the cops.
Way back when, a license renewal was I believe $6. Then it went to $12. These days, it is $22. Then there is the $20 penalty that is absolutely, positively, take-it-to-the-bank for sure will be assessed, and my experience cost $42.
Well, not exactly. I had two 20s in my wallet. I didn’t even have enough to pay the Ted Strickland license fund, let alone get that much needed veggie sub down the street.
The lady pointed me to an ATM in the corner. ATM, for those not initiated, stands for All The Money. I got my $40, plus a $2 charge for using the machine.
So my infraction, my desire to believe I had another year on my license, cost me $44 plus the cost of the sandwich, since I wouldn’t be eating at home. I got a raisin oatmeal cookie, too.
So all of you, get out that license and check to see when it expires. If it is on your next birthday, go to the calendar in the kitchen and mark on it a week before, “Get driver’s license renewed.”
Don’t let Steady Teddy get his claws into your wallet like he did mine.
Take my advice. Otherwise, you MAY be sorry.
